Thursday, August 23, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Swift Bank To Comply Slower
Swift Bank To Comply Slower
by: Tom Attea
Just when George Bush was winning a victory in the Senate for the right to handle terrorists in a moderately terrifying way, it looks as if he can expect slower help from Swift, the Belgian banking consortium known as the letterhead-heavy Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunications.
The banking group was reprimanded by Belgium’s privacy protection commission for aiding the US counterterrorism effort by providing confidential data about money transfers.
The commission’s report stated, “It has to be seen as a gross miscalculation by Swift that it has, for years, secretly and systematically transferred massive amounts of personal data for surveillance without effective and clear legal basis and independent controls in line with Belgian and European law.”
On a swifter note, Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt of Belgium, who presented the report, admitted that sharing such information is essential to curbing terrorism. He sounded more intent that European privacy rules would be respected, saying, “Swift finds itself in a conflicting position between American and European law. But it should have received stronger guarantees of privacy protection based on European standards — not by American standards, which are not as strong.”
While Swift dismissed criticism, maintaining it had assurances the data would be used only in regard to the investigation of terrorism, the CEO, Leonard Schrank, essentially threw up his arms, noting, “We need an agreement between the E.U. and the U.S. that recognizes the global threat of terrorism but has a comfort level for those seeking to guarantee data protection. We are caught between complying with the U.S. and European rules, and it’s a train wreck. But what we have done saves lives in the U.S. and Europe and we must not lose sight of that.”
His outfit really is between a rock and hard place. While based in Belgium, it does significant business in the US. So, whether or not the Euros like it, Swift is obliged to obey subpoenas from US authorities.
How many wrinkles will terrorism make in the orderly operations of the comparatively civilized world and how disruptive will they become? Only Allah knows.
by: Tom Attea
Just when George Bush was winning a victory in the Senate for the right to handle terrorists in a moderately terrifying way, it looks as if he can expect slower help from Swift, the Belgian banking consortium known as the letterhead-heavy Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunications.
The banking group was reprimanded by Belgium’s privacy protection commission for aiding the US counterterrorism effort by providing confidential data about money transfers.
The commission’s report stated, “It has to be seen as a gross miscalculation by Swift that it has, for years, secretly and systematically transferred massive amounts of personal data for surveillance without effective and clear legal basis and independent controls in line with Belgian and European law.”
On a swifter note, Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt of Belgium, who presented the report, admitted that sharing such information is essential to curbing terrorism. He sounded more intent that European privacy rules would be respected, saying, “Swift finds itself in a conflicting position between American and European law. But it should have received stronger guarantees of privacy protection based on European standards — not by American standards, which are not as strong.”
While Swift dismissed criticism, maintaining it had assurances the data would be used only in regard to the investigation of terrorism, the CEO, Leonard Schrank, essentially threw up his arms, noting, “We need an agreement between the E.U. and the U.S. that recognizes the global threat of terrorism but has a comfort level for those seeking to guarantee data protection. We are caught between complying with the U.S. and European rules, and it’s a train wreck. But what we have done saves lives in the U.S. and Europe and we must not lose sight of that.”
His outfit really is between a rock and hard place. While based in Belgium, it does significant business in the US. So, whether or not the Euros like it, Swift is obliged to obey subpoenas from US authorities.
How many wrinkles will terrorism make in the orderly operations of the comparatively civilized world and how disruptive will they become? Only Allah knows.
Even the Gods Laugh: How Humor Becomes Transformational
Even the Gods Laugh: How Humor Becomes Transformational
by: Diane English
Most of our lives have become caught up in the dizzying stress, anxiety and self-created drama of the fast paced, twenty-first century. It was slower back in the 14th Century; I miss those days. Just the story of being a member of the human race can make you terminally depressed and confused. It may be inevitable that everyone on Earth is challenged by negativity in life; but it is far from inevitable that we have to keep the soap opera going. Besides breathing, humor and laughter are the simplest and most natural paths to joy and when embraced a powerful transformation takes place. With intention, this change leads to healing and freedom in unexpected ways. Here are some pointers:
Stage One: Questioning Your Beliefs
I define humor as “a break with consensus reality” or, what you think is happening, isn't. Each of us has a belief system that has been imposed on us right from birth and those beliefs either affirm or deny our power. You can bet that consensus reality (parents, TV, radio, news, politicians, etc) is not about to affirm that we are Infinite Love in form. We are constantly reminded that we're victims, helpless worms of the dust and in dire need of Viagra. We're not, not even close!
Stage Two: Healing
Scientists and doctors have documented research that humor and laughter are beneficial for the body. Norman Cousins, while ill with a severe connective tissue disease, was the first to write a bestseller about the healing power of humor. He was able to document how watching Candid Camera and the Marx Brothers allowed him to significantly decrease his physical pain with laughter. It was later discovered that laughter also massages the organs, builds the immune system with beneficial hormones, releases mood-elevating endorphins and lowers blood pressure. What a wonderful and legal way to get high! Just laugh. See the absurdity of what we all take seriously, especially what YOU personally take seriously. Just how important is it? Since we all die, (more or less), put it in perspective. Somebody famous said, "There is not one shred of evidence that life is serious" and I seriously agree with that. What good does it do to feel bad, depressed or guilty? You don't have to, you've been taught to. There is nothing we have to learn. THERE IS A LOT WE HAVE TO UNLEARN.
Stage Three: Uncovering Who You Really Are
This three dimensional world is only part of who we are. At our core we are infinite love. Once we shift out of every day reality to see our own magnificence and experience the joy of living in the present moment that laughter initiates, we can release the beliefs, which keep us from living spontaneously. According to professor of psychiatry William Fry, M.D., at Stanford University Medical School, the average child in kindergarten laughs 300 times a day while adults only laugh approximately 17 times each day. (Are we crabby, or what!) This is why children have more imagination and heal faster than adults. Children live free until taught shame and guilt; reclaiming your childlike energy is the key to transformation.
Let yourself giggle as an expression of your own freedom or better yet, double over with laughter. Ah, but I can hear you saying: what about all the awful stuff that happens? What I'm talking about is a MAJOR SHIFT in your thinking. Imagine for one moment, that millions of people on the planet believed laughter is the best medicine and all at once we started to laugh. Go ahead......start now...giggle, chuckle, gafaw right now. Laughter is contagious and others will catch it and begin laughing too; then another and another. Can you feel what that would be like? Can you feel the potential, the release, the love and joy that would envelope the entire planet? Anything is possible, anything. “Even the gods love jokes,” said Plato. That is because the Cosmic Cookie knows the importance and power of laughter. Nature invented it for a reason. Humor and laughter are sacred, they are the Universal keys to the unexpected joy of release and the inspiration of new perspectives. Once you have unlocked this door your life will never be the same. To experience more humor as a gift from Spirit please visit http://www.greatcosmichappyass.com.
by: Diane English
Most of our lives have become caught up in the dizzying stress, anxiety and self-created drama of the fast paced, twenty-first century. It was slower back in the 14th Century; I miss those days. Just the story of being a member of the human race can make you terminally depressed and confused. It may be inevitable that everyone on Earth is challenged by negativity in life; but it is far from inevitable that we have to keep the soap opera going. Besides breathing, humor and laughter are the simplest and most natural paths to joy and when embraced a powerful transformation takes place. With intention, this change leads to healing and freedom in unexpected ways. Here are some pointers:
Stage One: Questioning Your Beliefs
I define humor as “a break with consensus reality” or, what you think is happening, isn't. Each of us has a belief system that has been imposed on us right from birth and those beliefs either affirm or deny our power. You can bet that consensus reality (parents, TV, radio, news, politicians, etc) is not about to affirm that we are Infinite Love in form. We are constantly reminded that we're victims, helpless worms of the dust and in dire need of Viagra. We're not, not even close!
Stage Two: Healing
Scientists and doctors have documented research that humor and laughter are beneficial for the body. Norman Cousins, while ill with a severe connective tissue disease, was the first to write a bestseller about the healing power of humor. He was able to document how watching Candid Camera and the Marx Brothers allowed him to significantly decrease his physical pain with laughter. It was later discovered that laughter also massages the organs, builds the immune system with beneficial hormones, releases mood-elevating endorphins and lowers blood pressure. What a wonderful and legal way to get high! Just laugh. See the absurdity of what we all take seriously, especially what YOU personally take seriously. Just how important is it? Since we all die, (more or less), put it in perspective. Somebody famous said, "There is not one shred of evidence that life is serious" and I seriously agree with that. What good does it do to feel bad, depressed or guilty? You don't have to, you've been taught to. There is nothing we have to learn. THERE IS A LOT WE HAVE TO UNLEARN.
Stage Three: Uncovering Who You Really Are
This three dimensional world is only part of who we are. At our core we are infinite love. Once we shift out of every day reality to see our own magnificence and experience the joy of living in the present moment that laughter initiates, we can release the beliefs, which keep us from living spontaneously. According to professor of psychiatry William Fry, M.D., at Stanford University Medical School, the average child in kindergarten laughs 300 times a day while adults only laugh approximately 17 times each day. (Are we crabby, or what!) This is why children have more imagination and heal faster than adults. Children live free until taught shame and guilt; reclaiming your childlike energy is the key to transformation.
Let yourself giggle as an expression of your own freedom or better yet, double over with laughter. Ah, but I can hear you saying: what about all the awful stuff that happens? What I'm talking about is a MAJOR SHIFT in your thinking. Imagine for one moment, that millions of people on the planet believed laughter is the best medicine and all at once we started to laugh. Go ahead......start now...giggle, chuckle, gafaw right now. Laughter is contagious and others will catch it and begin laughing too; then another and another. Can you feel what that would be like? Can you feel the potential, the release, the love and joy that would envelope the entire planet? Anything is possible, anything. “Even the gods love jokes,” said Plato. That is because the Cosmic Cookie knows the importance and power of laughter. Nature invented it for a reason. Humor and laughter are sacred, they are the Universal keys to the unexpected joy of release and the inspiration of new perspectives. Once you have unlocked this door your life will never be the same. To experience more humor as a gift from Spirit please visit http://www.greatcosmichappyass.com.
How Time Flies When I Am In A Hurry
How Time Flies When I Am In A Hurry
by: Rev. James L. Snyder
Have you ever noticed that when you are on vacation time goes by rapidly? According to my calculations (and I'm the first to admit I didn't do well in calculus), the average minute during vacation time is less than 20 seconds. This is one reason time goes by so quickly on vacation.
The other reason, as everyone knows, is that during a vacation week there are no days beginning with the letter “T.” Now, you know why your vacation went by so quickly this summer. There are always reasons if you are willing to dig hard enough.
Now, if this is true, the question plaguing my mind is: where does all that time go?
Have you ever noticed that when you are in a hurry to go somewhere it usually takes twice as long to get there? It does not matter what time of day it is, or which day it is for that matter, for when you are running a tad late for some appointment across town, Old Father Time insists that you go through an intricate obstacle course. It is his way of having a little fun. After all, the old boy needs some kind of diversion.
For example, if I am leisurely driving across town with plenty of time on my hands, I never hit a red light. Every traffic light is green and there have been times when I have arrived at my destination 10 minutes before I left.
On the other hand, if I am in a hurry and running just the slightest late, this is immediately brought to the attention of Father Time. He rubs his hands with glee and begins his work. Immediately, every traffic light in town is on the alert for my arrival. Their instruction from Father Time is quite simple. “When you see Rev. Snyder coming, turn red.”
Sometimes all the attention Father Time gives me embarrasses me.
Then there is the train on 17th Street. I can travel this street for weeks and never see that train. There have been times when I have wondered if the train has ceased running.
Then, I am in a hurry and everything changes. It has yet to fail me. When running late, the train always runs slow and, on my honor, the longest and slowest train is reserved for me.
Perhaps the worse time trick Old Father Time plays on me is at the checkout counter. The checkout personnel are especially trained by Father Time. In one week alone, I found 17 days that I lost during my vacation in 1978, just at a checkout counter.
Last week my wife and I were in a hurry to some appointment. It really does not matter what the appointment was, we never really got there, thanks to Old Father Time. On the way to this appointment, I said something quite foolish to my wife. (What husband hasn't?)
“Honey,” I said as innocently as any husband can, “I need to stop at the grocery store for something.” Right then a huge red light went off to alert Father Time of my intention. That wasn't enough. I also told her, as I jumped out of the car, “This will only take a minute.” With that, I bounded into the store.
This put Old Father Time into hysterics. He lives for this kind of situation.
When I got in the store, I knew exactly where the item was that I needed. Voila ... somehow, store management had a premonition that I would be coming in this day and that I would be in a hurry. They did the only thing they could do in that situation — completely rearrange the store — all in my honor.
Now, not only was I in a hurry but also I could not find the product I was after. If I wasn't a man, I could asked for directions.
My wife, tired of waiting in the car, came in and found the item for me. Now all I needed to do was get it through the checkout.
Have you ever noticed that no matter what line you get in it is always the slowest? Even if I am the only one in the checkout, I have no better luck. Usually in that situation, I get the trainee on her first day working all alone.
Am I getting harder of hearing or are young people, especially young women, speaking a different language? It took me 10 minutes to realize that the young trainee was merely saying, “Hello, how are you?”
Of course, I wanted to pay for my purchase with a check. It was then that Old Father Time roared with devilish delight. To use a check at many places requires 16 independent forms of identification and a note from your mother. At the time, I only had 15.
By the time my wife and I got to our car, it was too late for our important appointment. Father Time won another one.
Time is important and often we are guilty of wasting it. The biggest area where people waste time is regarding their relationship with God.
The Apostle Paul warned of this in his letter to the Romans. “And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.” (Romans 13:11 KJV.)
by: Rev. James L. Snyder
Have you ever noticed that when you are on vacation time goes by rapidly? According to my calculations (and I'm the first to admit I didn't do well in calculus), the average minute during vacation time is less than 20 seconds. This is one reason time goes by so quickly on vacation.
The other reason, as everyone knows, is that during a vacation week there are no days beginning with the letter “T.” Now, you know why your vacation went by so quickly this summer. There are always reasons if you are willing to dig hard enough.
Now, if this is true, the question plaguing my mind is: where does all that time go?
Have you ever noticed that when you are in a hurry to go somewhere it usually takes twice as long to get there? It does not matter what time of day it is, or which day it is for that matter, for when you are running a tad late for some appointment across town, Old Father Time insists that you go through an intricate obstacle course. It is his way of having a little fun. After all, the old boy needs some kind of diversion.
For example, if I am leisurely driving across town with plenty of time on my hands, I never hit a red light. Every traffic light is green and there have been times when I have arrived at my destination 10 minutes before I left.
On the other hand, if I am in a hurry and running just the slightest late, this is immediately brought to the attention of Father Time. He rubs his hands with glee and begins his work. Immediately, every traffic light in town is on the alert for my arrival. Their instruction from Father Time is quite simple. “When you see Rev. Snyder coming, turn red.”
Sometimes all the attention Father Time gives me embarrasses me.
Then there is the train on 17th Street. I can travel this street for weeks and never see that train. There have been times when I have wondered if the train has ceased running.
Then, I am in a hurry and everything changes. It has yet to fail me. When running late, the train always runs slow and, on my honor, the longest and slowest train is reserved for me.
Perhaps the worse time trick Old Father Time plays on me is at the checkout counter. The checkout personnel are especially trained by Father Time. In one week alone, I found 17 days that I lost during my vacation in 1978, just at a checkout counter.
Last week my wife and I were in a hurry to some appointment. It really does not matter what the appointment was, we never really got there, thanks to Old Father Time. On the way to this appointment, I said something quite foolish to my wife. (What husband hasn't?)
“Honey,” I said as innocently as any husband can, “I need to stop at the grocery store for something.” Right then a huge red light went off to alert Father Time of my intention. That wasn't enough. I also told her, as I jumped out of the car, “This will only take a minute.” With that, I bounded into the store.
This put Old Father Time into hysterics. He lives for this kind of situation.
When I got in the store, I knew exactly where the item was that I needed. Voila ... somehow, store management had a premonition that I would be coming in this day and that I would be in a hurry. They did the only thing they could do in that situation — completely rearrange the store — all in my honor.
Now, not only was I in a hurry but also I could not find the product I was after. If I wasn't a man, I could asked for directions.
My wife, tired of waiting in the car, came in and found the item for me. Now all I needed to do was get it through the checkout.
Have you ever noticed that no matter what line you get in it is always the slowest? Even if I am the only one in the checkout, I have no better luck. Usually in that situation, I get the trainee on her first day working all alone.
Am I getting harder of hearing or are young people, especially young women, speaking a different language? It took me 10 minutes to realize that the young trainee was merely saying, “Hello, how are you?”
Of course, I wanted to pay for my purchase with a check. It was then that Old Father Time roared with devilish delight. To use a check at many places requires 16 independent forms of identification and a note from your mother. At the time, I only had 15.
By the time my wife and I got to our car, it was too late for our important appointment. Father Time won another one.
Time is important and often we are guilty of wasting it. The biggest area where people waste time is regarding their relationship with God.
The Apostle Paul warned of this in his letter to the Romans. “And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.” (Romans 13:11 KJV.)
Toyoto Introduces The Toy: The First Pedal Car For Adults
Toyoto Introduces The Toy: The First Pedal Car For Adults
by: Tom Attea
In an effort to rescue drivers from the high cost of gasoline, Toyota has announced the introduction of the Toy, the first car for grownups that is operated like a child’s pedal car.
Its main benefit is, of course, that it requires no gas. There is, however, a limit as to how far the vehicle can travel on one adult’s leg power.
The resourceful auto giant maintains that the encumbrance is not a drawback at all, because adults can change places at the wheel. While one pedals, the other can rest.
The company also proclaims that the new car is the first that “conditions you while you drive.” As a result, it claims that the vehicle will benefit all purchasers with improved heart health, greater longevity and, most vital of all, increased energy to pedal all the farther.
“We view the Toy as our most advanced product,” the chairman of Toyota avowed. “It’s way out in front of even our own hybrids in term of fuel efficiency, and it saves a lot of steps in the production of ethanol. Now, drivers need only eat corn and soy beans to generate energy to propel the vehicle.”
One of the first owners of the Toy was ecstatic. “I can’t tell you how good it feels to pedal past a gas station and know you no longer have to pull in and empty your wallet. But pedaling for miles can take some getting used to. When I work up a sweat, I’m really happy that the Toy comes with air conditioning. I just reach out and start to crank the dashboard-mounted fan.”
by: Tom Attea
In an effort to rescue drivers from the high cost of gasoline, Toyota has announced the introduction of the Toy, the first car for grownups that is operated like a child’s pedal car.
Its main benefit is, of course, that it requires no gas. There is, however, a limit as to how far the vehicle can travel on one adult’s leg power.
The resourceful auto giant maintains that the encumbrance is not a drawback at all, because adults can change places at the wheel. While one pedals, the other can rest.
The company also proclaims that the new car is the first that “conditions you while you drive.” As a result, it claims that the vehicle will benefit all purchasers with improved heart health, greater longevity and, most vital of all, increased energy to pedal all the farther.
“We view the Toy as our most advanced product,” the chairman of Toyota avowed. “It’s way out in front of even our own hybrids in term of fuel efficiency, and it saves a lot of steps in the production of ethanol. Now, drivers need only eat corn and soy beans to generate energy to propel the vehicle.”
One of the first owners of the Toy was ecstatic. “I can’t tell you how good it feels to pedal past a gas station and know you no longer have to pull in and empty your wallet. But pedaling for miles can take some getting used to. When I work up a sweat, I’m really happy that the Toy comes with air conditioning. I just reach out and start to crank the dashboard-mounted fan.”
The Perks of Global Warming
The Perks of Global Warming
by: Nola L. Kelsey
Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.
Then I got to the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”
Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream ‘yummy’ to me.
While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!
Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to mention offering new, SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?
by: Nola L. Kelsey
Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.
Then I got to the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”
Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream ‘yummy’ to me.
While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!
Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to mention offering new, SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?
Top 40 'Things Said On Christmas Day' - EVERY Year!
Top 40 'Things Said On Christmas Day' - EVERY Year!
by: Martyn Brown
Top 20 Statements, Comments & Questions At Christmas time
1 This single cream seems to be thicker than the double cream
2 Who's gonna pull this cracker with me?
3 Put your Christmas party hat on, you miserable git.
4 Where did you buy your crackers?, they're really good.
5 Do you want stuffing, Grandma?
6 Calm down you kids, you're all over excited!
7 That was you, you filthy pig!
8 What's your joke, Brian, what did you get in your cracker?
9 It's a shame to throw the paper away, isn't it?
10 The Queen's on in a minute, Mum!
11 I would give it a few minutes before you go in there - phew!
12 You won't eat all that, put a small amount on…you can always come back for more.
13 Chocolate anyone?
14 Does your mum still take sugar?
15 The turkey's lovely, isn't it?
16 Can someone pass the sprouts?
17 Don't you like Christmas pudding? - how strange.
18 You don't like mince pies? - how strange.
19 Who's gonna eat the sixpence from the Christmas pud? - ha ha ha
20 Where did we go last year, love?.
20 Comments, Statements & Questions At Christmas time -
From Children
1 Daddy, can you build this for me.
2 Mummy, can YOU build this for me.
3 Daddy, have you got a screwdriver
4 Daddy, have you got any of this size battery
5 Mummy, Jenny's just done a poo and she didn't wash her hands.
6 Mummy, I want some more
7 Daddy, Jenny's just hit me
8 I DID hit her back, look, she's on the floor.
9 This is the best Christmas I've ever had
10 Can I open another present?
11 What time is Aunty Wilma coming up?
12 Have I got any more presents to open?
13 I didn't WANT clothes
14 Mummy, I've just kicked your drink over - again.
15 I spy with my little eye - um - I don't want to play anymore.
16 Can I have another drink?
17 Mummy, Jenny's just tipped a bowl of custard over the cat.
18 Mummy, Daddy's just swear'd.
19 Daddy, this just broke off
20 Mummy - I feel sick!
by: Martyn Brown
Top 20 Statements, Comments & Questions At Christmas time
1 This single cream seems to be thicker than the double cream
2 Who's gonna pull this cracker with me?
3 Put your Christmas party hat on, you miserable git.
4 Where did you buy your crackers?, they're really good.
5 Do you want stuffing, Grandma?
6 Calm down you kids, you're all over excited!
7 That was you, you filthy pig!
8 What's your joke, Brian, what did you get in your cracker?
9 It's a shame to throw the paper away, isn't it?
10 The Queen's on in a minute, Mum!
11 I would give it a few minutes before you go in there - phew!
12 You won't eat all that, put a small amount on…you can always come back for more.
13 Chocolate anyone?
14 Does your mum still take sugar?
15 The turkey's lovely, isn't it?
16 Can someone pass the sprouts?
17 Don't you like Christmas pudding? - how strange.
18 You don't like mince pies? - how strange.
19 Who's gonna eat the sixpence from the Christmas pud? - ha ha ha
20 Where did we go last year, love?.
20 Comments, Statements & Questions At Christmas time -
From Children
1 Daddy, can you build this for me.
2 Mummy, can YOU build this for me.
3 Daddy, have you got a screwdriver
4 Daddy, have you got any of this size battery
5 Mummy, Jenny's just done a poo and she didn't wash her hands.
6 Mummy, I want some more
7 Daddy, Jenny's just hit me
8 I DID hit her back, look, she's on the floor.
9 This is the best Christmas I've ever had
10 Can I open another present?
11 What time is Aunty Wilma coming up?
12 Have I got any more presents to open?
13 I didn't WANT clothes
14 Mummy, I've just kicked your drink over - again.
15 I spy with my little eye - um - I don't want to play anymore.
16 Can I have another drink?
17 Mummy, Jenny's just tipped a bowl of custard over the cat.
18 Mummy, Daddy's just swear'd.
19 Daddy, this just broke off
20 Mummy - I feel sick!
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